I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
