this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
