why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
