i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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