In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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