if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
