OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
