Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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