I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
