i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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