If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
