I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
sarcasm needs its own font
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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