Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
