The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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