I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Randomize
