You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
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