guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
