I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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