Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
