The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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