They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
