It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
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when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
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Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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