Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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