Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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