God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
It's shark week go big or go home
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
