he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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