Non-Jews are for practice
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
