Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
