The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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