Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
