I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
