About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Randomize
