There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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