Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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