You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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