I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
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