No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Someone shattered a urinal.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
