This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.