you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Randomize
