Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Randomize
