you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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