totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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