If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Randomize
