you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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