I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Randomize
