so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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