sarcasm needs its own font
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Randomize
