Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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