And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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