we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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