Whatcha textin bout Willis?
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
