There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
