If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
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