she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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