I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
